Thursday, 9 October 2008

4 weeks...

This time 4 weeks ago I was in hospital, in labour. It was all wrong, the wrong year, the wrong month and the wrong thoughts in my mind. I should have been there in late January. I should have been there with a huge tummy and a huge smile. Not this time.

We collected Alice's ashes this week. A little urn in a little velvet box.

I wonder who makes these little urns? And the little white coffins?

I know people who had lost babies during their pregnancy and I know people who have lost their newborn babies. What I didn't know was that there are so many people who have lost babies. Work colleagues, friends of friends, friends of people I have recently met and a frightening number of women who I have found on blogs and websites all over the world.

I wonder how many women that I pass in the street carry this sadness inside? How women have this hole that they can never fill?

I guess it is a lot more than I could ever imagine.

10 comments:

Mary Beth said...

Hi Rachael. Just sending some love your way today. Take care of yourself. Hug your family.

I was having a similar thought, recently, to what you are writing about today. I was thinking of all the pioneer women who came before us and who lived with the reality of some or one of their children dying of communicable illnesses or other things. . . different, I know, but also very painful realities for those ladies.

Anonymous said...

Darling! You know you're in my thoughts - am holding you all so very close. Much love, Ooody

Poppy and Mei said...

I don't know how many,
I just know too many...
Loving you & yours...XXxx

Hot Belly Mama - taking it all back said...

You are so right. It's something that no one talks about because it is so personal. When I miscarried, I found out that all of my husband's siblings had miscarried, his mother had miscarried three times, my boss had miscarried once, that two of my aunts had miscarried and that my great grandmother had miscarried 7 times (had six children). I think what was most surprising was learning that the person I had worked next to for the last five years had miscarried three times and I had never known (she went on to have two beautiful girls). You're right, a lot of people are walking around w/ memories of their angels...

tiff said...

Rach,
There are many in the club and many who walk around with an angel tucked in their heart.

I also wondered who made the little coffins. How do you do that without thinking about who they are made for? It seems so wrong in the natural order of things.

potty mouth mama said...

I was thinking of you today.

It's so true, so many people have lost little ones, I didn't realise either until I had a miscarriage, and around a similar time I read Dooce and she had a very similar experience to me.. I think it helped me heal having that shared experience - even though I didn't know her. Just to know I wasn't the only one to feel such a loss.

Claire (ethel loves fred) said...

Sending you some love also.

My Mum carried her 1st baby for a full 9 months without any complications, then he died on the way out, it was the umbilical cord, and they just made her keep pushing. She went on to have the 3 of us in 3 years. When I was old enough to know, she told me about it, I often used to wonder if we would be here had that not happened, who knows?

I know there isn't anything anyone can say, but I'm so glad you are able to talk and blog about about it, it's a healing thing.
xxx

Veronica said...

I think ((hugs)) are all I have to offer.

I'm thinking of you.

melissa said...

Rach,

I hope that time is softening your sadness. I've been thinking a lot about you lately. My mother-in-law was so moved by your story of making a homemade quilt for your baby.

•´.¸¸.•¨¯`♥.Trish.♥´¯¨•.¸¸.´• said...

I wondered the very same things ...
who makes the coffins.

Too sad.

I never knew either how many parents / brothers and sisters (and significant others) say goodbye too soon to precious little babies.