Tuesday, 30 September 2008

from the blue house

The first morning at the blue house. I have only just found the camera again amongst the chaos. Breakfast outside for Minnie. Yes, that is paint all over the table and jam. A whole (tiny) jar of French jam was emptied. 'I can do it all by my self...'

I sat and looked at these flowers in our garden for the longest time. 'Birds of Paradise.' And as we roll into the middle of the second week here it is beginning to feel a little more like paradise. Long afternoons digging in the garden. Neglecting things like unpacking in favour of trips to the garden centre. Hours pouring over our new gardening books and old design magazines. Minnie starting the day by announcing 'I must do my gardening forever' as she heads our the back with her gardening tools.

But there is a big hole. I catch my reflection in the french doors. The roundness of my tummy is long gone. Just an empty place where someone belongs.

Saturday, 27 September 2008

packing, moving and saying goodbye

Before and after loosing Alice Buttons I packed cartons, arranged removalists, lawyers and utilities. On the day Alice died I had a discussion with our lawyer that ended in me being very rude and hanging up. Discussing monies owed on a day like that was not such a good idea. Wanting to punch the man in the truck at the gate the next day was also not such a good idea. Flipping the bird to the annoying new neighbour was a great idea.

So after Alice died I came home from the hospital and I filled cartons with our lives and squeezed remnants of the things we had lost into suitcases and shoe boxes and old bags. I still had on my hospital wrist bands and I couldn't change out of the clothes I wore when Alice was alive and when she died. I didn't want to wash her from me and waited until the next day before I could do this.

I drove many times between the old house and the new house. The road took me past the funeral home where Alice laid waiting. Waiting for me to change out of my dirty clothes covered in cleaning fluid and dust and to put on 'something nice.' They were waiting for me to come to the room with the lace doilies on the table and the tissue box covers and the reproduction furniture. The room where I was treated with kindness, perhaps with a little too much familiarity, and given the folder containing the invoice. In this room I was brave and almost stoic until I read the first line of the invoice;

1. Infants coffin lined with white satin.

Then I sat crying realising perhaps for the first time what I was actually doing in the room with the potted ferns and the blackwood sideboard and the soft tissues. I was here to arrange the cremation of our tiny baby. The baby that would never lay on my chest, feed at my breast, feel her fathers strong hands or see the smiling face of her sister. Our baby that would not dig in the dirt searching for worms or laugh at the songs and stories we would tell her.

Alice Buttons was cremated on Tuesday 23rd September. We were not there. We held no ceremony. Not because it is not important but because we want to choose our own way to remember Alice.

Tuesday, 23 September 2008

the blue house

So we have finally moved. The blue house is now ours and is bursting at the seams with cartons and mess and complete chaos. We had been so excited about this day coming - moving into our very own house. Our very own old blue house on the hill, looking out to the ocean and the lake. We received the keys after settlement and came straight here. I wasn't excited. I felt like vomiting. I wasn't happy and I didn't want to be here. Not like this. Not with so much sadness inside us.

But the next day we returned and the sun was shinning and we felt a little happier to be here. Happier to be here but not happy. Far from happy. Perhaps the furthest I have been.

Wednesday, 17 September 2008

the saddest of times and the sweetest friends...

Although she will always be 'Buttons,' we named our little girl Alice. Alice Buttons in fact.

I am still in a blur, packing boxes and crying and feeling like it didn't really happen. Often I think that Alice is warm and safe inside me. And then I realise she is not. Then I remember that she is dead.

Family and friends have been wonderful. People I have never met and perhaps never will have sent their best wishes. Flowers have arrived from dear old friends and darling friends close by have taken such wonderful care of us and our darling Minnie. Friends have written such beautiful words.

Our lives will never be the same again.

Monday, 15 September 2008

please help, a search for some fabric...

I need to find some more of this fabric. Its Japanese. Its double sided muslin? I made a quilt for our baby and lined it in this muslin. I need to make another one for us. Its very important, especially at the moment. Does anyone know where I could find it? I fear that its no longer available.

Sunday, 14 September 2008

‘…we also know that we shall remain inconsolable and will never find a substitute, no matter what may fill the gap, even if it be filled completely, it nevertheless remains something else. And actually, this is how it should be…it is the only way of perpetuating that love that we do not want to relinquish.’

Sigmund Freud, in a letter to a friend after the death of his daughter.

[Freud, S (1929) Letter to Binswanger in EL Freud (ed.) Letters of Sigmund Freud, New York, Basic Books]

Saturday, 13 September 2008

the saddest days...

our tiny baby was born. our baby was so small and precious and beautiful.

our gorgeous little baby died.

I held Buttons all night and day. we wanted to hold Buttons for a life time.

I have never felt so sad before in my life.

Friday, 12 September 2008

grandy and baa available at

Enchanted ClosestShop 5-6, 93 High Street
Woodend VIC 3442

OUCH Ink148a Pakington Street
Geelong West VIC 3218

Made590590 King StreetSydney NSW 2042

Boutique Bambinihttp://www.boutiquebambini.com.au/

Monday, 8 September 2008

A little update...

My husband thinks I have completely lost my mind but between all the packing, the lawyers, the million phone calls with utilities and removalists and insurance companies, I have finished some new designs for the shop. They will be added later today and tomorrow. At this stage the designs are only available in the size and style shown but come October, they will be available for custom orders along with my old favourites.

Some of my range is now being stocked by Made590 - a very cool shop in Newtown, Sydney. 590 King Street for any locals... As some of you know, I never just wrap my orders - they all come in handmade bag. The bag pictured features Mervin the Slightly Mad Dog and is for the order for the lovely Christine at Made590.

Off for my 19-20week scan tomorrow. I think we are the only people in the world who are not finding out what they are having. It seems that people can no longer wait for the lovely surprise.

Friday, 5 September 2008

Its a small world after all...

Just a quick hello amidst the house of disorder - perhaps a calm few minutes before I have to look up from my laptop and see the chaos that surrounds us. This moving lark is not much fun. Of course the end result will be loads of fun but this packing, sorting, recycling, taking things to the op shop, to the dump, and to friends is a bit much. I am a bit frustrated that I cannot lift and move bigger, heavy things. But there is always time for painting...
I am still here alone - if QANTAS is behaving, my darling should be back at about 8.30am tomorrow after 2 weeks working in Indonesia. We are counting down the seconds.

As you know I am on etsy (most of the time) and this week I decided to search the shop local function for some of towns around where I live. I nearly fell over when I found some! Yep, right here on my door step are some crafty etsy mothers (here and here) ! It made me so happy as I have long thought I was alone here, in the crafting wilderness. Yes, there is a huge fabric store up the road but most of the customers I see appear to be the more traditional 'country' crafters. Don't get me wrong, I admire the talent of all these crafters but their focus is just a bit more traditional than mine (apologies for using the word traditional twice there - I am struggling for the right description and after 2 weeks alone with a toddler, I am amazed that I can actually type).

So finding these few etsy crafters has led me to their blogs which has led people to me - all living in the area. They thrift (op-shop), craft, write and take photos. The bit that really amazes me is that they visit blogs that I do (from around the world) and that we have not bumped into each other before (like this lovely girl who is just down the road, in the beachside 'burb where I once lived).

The world is a smaller place when you blog.